I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
