haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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