I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
