You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
