You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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