Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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