I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
