You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
