Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It all started with a game of naked twister.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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