I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How does one acquire holy water?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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