Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
