I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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