maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
