I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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