i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
