i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
