In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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