Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
