Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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