i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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