Moan for me like Helen Keller
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
