I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
