i love accidental penises.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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