Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
