Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
