I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
