why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
