You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
