Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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