Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
its liver damage thursday
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
