Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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