take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
