i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We had to coat check the pizza.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
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