When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize