I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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