I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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