There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
