i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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