why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
