Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
