Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
