I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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