i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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