I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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