you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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