New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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