How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
