I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
