3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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