can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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