On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm getting married
To pizza
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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