She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She bit a glass in half.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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