i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
