im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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