i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
