and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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