I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
