if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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