I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
