So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
