just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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