Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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