I will die if light touches me.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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