yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
