there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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